:: The Car Lot ::

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Going Farther
My uncle died early this morning, the 6th of july, 2005. He had an intracerebral hemorrhage early the morning before. He fell down, vomitted & never regained consciousness. Over the phone I knew it was a question of time. Not of money. Not of appropriate medical intervention, short of neurosurgery & symptomatic shotgun management, there was none. It was a question of time. That afternoon we went to Bulacan, he was comatose and had a Glasgow coma scale of 0, unresponsive even to pain. Earlier that day he had lost voluntary control of his bladder & bowel. He had gone into seizures 3 times while we were bedside. His pupils were pinpoint non-reactive to light stimulation. He was tachypneic with a respiratory rate in the 60's and rales all throughout both lung fields. BP hypertensive at 160/100 mmhg, tachycardic. His temperature was rising and falling, ominous signs of autonomic dysreflexia. All physical signs led to only one conclusion, death. A doctor had seen my uncle earlier & there was only one diagnosis. My mum had called me to advise them on what to do. How do you tell your cousins that there is no hope of recovery? You quantify it. You disguise hopelessness in medical terminology and scientific babble. Their decision was to wait with him as his heart & respiratory muscles became tired, & his body gave out, as it eventually would. My cousin said she felt sorry for her dad & that his life was full of nothing but hardships. I would agree, but i would also disagree. I told her that happiness is not only measured in how much one had. He had 3 daughters, 3 grandchildren, also all girls. His life was simple, their lives were simple but that isn't all there is to life. Nowadays it seems like that's all that matters. Fact of the matter is, it does. But its not all that matters. It must've been their darkest moment, it was one of mine. I told myself it was a medical decision not a moral decision i was asked to help them make, and i did. Hopefully i won't be asked to do it again, but so many times in our lives more is asked of those who are strong. I am not strong, but life has a way of making you, or breaking you. I am still wondering, worrying, second guessing, if i had made the right decision. The irony of it all is, the more you deal with death, the more you realize how fragile life is. How momentary. I am not deeply religious but i have my moments. Like these, when you have to believe in a greater good, a higher power. When you once again have to ask him to carry you because you've gone as far as you can go. And just like so many times in your life you surprise yourself & go just a little farther...

Dr. Jayson Arellano Left the Car Lot @ 8:33 PM

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