:: The Car Lot ::

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Peace. I grew up believing we were always at war. With others, with ourselves. I found religion & I was momentarily at peace. At peace with the world & the reality it had offered me, at peace with myself & the reality I had grown to accept. For all my struggles and for all my frustrations, I had arrived. It wasn't pretty but it was colorful. Every 4 or 5 years I find myself at a crossroad. Coming to Manila after grade school in New Guinea, taking up physical therapy, completing medicine. All these choices were made either with little struggle or in absolute surrender to the wishes of my dad. Now in hindsight, he was right. He knew how to whisper and I was his horse. Soon I hope to be a father, just like him. It would be simple to continue into residency. To become a student once again, to take the path well trodden. To once again take the next logical step. But I have never taken the next logical step. With every failure more and more was expected of me. I wasn't supposed to make it this far. But here I am, prepared for more. I know that the next step will be longer than the last, the next step steeper than the last. That is the reality I have accepted. I do not even pretend to be strong but strength is what is required of me so strong is what I have to be. There is no other way. Tip of the spear. The best be sharp. My peace lies in prayer, in faith. If He wills it then I know it will be. I have so much faith now, more so in God than in myself. I think that as you get older, the challenges are bigger. The choices get harder. The consequences more dire. You have to believe in something much bigger than you could ever become. Of all the goals and dreams I've ever aspired to, becoming a father is where everything ends, then again begins. That is my peace.

Dr. Jayson Arellano Left the Car Lot @ 9:14 AM

***