:: The Car Lot ::

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Big Brother
My wife was watching Pinoy Big Brother the other day, the episode about Christian's birthday. She got up to take a shower and when she came back I was sobbing. Of course she mocked me and shouted out to her mum that I was crying. When her mum asked why, Leslie said that was how I used to spend my birthday, alone, away from home. That took me back. Back to the nights when I woke up cramping in both my legs. I had been running that night. When it got dark and I had to call my mum, I'd go to Gate 2, back in Ateneo. There was a secluded phone booth comforted in the shadows of Loyola Gym. Noone could see you there, noone could hear you cry. Walking back to Cervini you could see people walking your way, laughing, speaking in Ilonggo, Visaya. I always thought it brought them closer to home. If I was still crying I'd walk across the football field to the trees on the far side. There was nothing there, one of the guards might even throw a flashlight your way hoping to catch lovers. It was just a place where noone could see your sadness. A darkness to hide how broken you were. Christmas was always hard for me. December 28, the hardest. This was how high school and 2 years of college was like for me. Not everyday, only on the most important ones. Noone really knew. Not many would understand. My Baby always called me autistic, and late at night when we can't sleep, I tell her my stories. I don't know if she really knows me or the sadness, the fury, the anguish that I will always carry. But between her and my mom, I think they have a pretty good idea. That episode took me back and you know what, that's okay. It was a part of me and I realize that it will always be a part of me. It is my solice, my fortress, it's what makes me strong. I don't think of them as my defeat, I think back and I remember my victories. When I'd get up, wipe my tears, suck it up, and walk back to the dorm like nothing happened. Everyone assumed I had gone to Eliazo or been up to no good. Maybe it was their way of saying I was okay, and everything would work out. They were right.
You may have gone through worse and I hope you get through to the other side. I bumped into an old friend, Lester Lim(I called him Lester the Molester, not because it rhymed, but because that's what he does)on the internet a few months back and we got to talking about how hard it was to get ahead and he had this to say, "The same fire that melts plastic, strengthens steel". Lester the Molester is currently in Los Angeles where he says the women are really aggressive...I hope to visit him one day.

Dr. Jayson Arellano Left the Car Lot @ 2:13 PM 0 Honks

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