Rainmaker's Sun

Homework

2008-12-10T18:29:00.002+08:00

I have a wonderful wife & twin boys. Things were never clear for me. Confused & wide-eyed for most of my life. I always knew the destination but never how to get there.
On February 16, 2007 all that changed. As Hunter lay in his incubator slowly learning how strong he had to be just to breathe, I was doing the same. Dayday was alright, although he too was on a continuous infusion pump, receiving fluids, antibiotics, & glucose. We thought we had done everything right. All we could do was pray.
Today Hunter & Holiday are a year & seven months old. Hunter kisses anyone who scolds him, lets out a joyous yelp, then claps his hands ecstatic. Dayday started swinging a sand wedge with two hands this week.
We do our best to take care of them, provide, plan. It's about them now. Your every smile hanging on the little boy things that they do. Hunter apparently always in a hurry & busy as can be. Dayday with his funny faces, tilting his head to the right & giving you his best boy-next-door smile, or blessing then giving you his "maligno" stare down. Your heart jumping everytime they fall or stand precariously on the edge of the bed or over a flight of stairs, toy in one hand.
I hope the direction I'm leading them in is the right one. I pray for their health & that if any sacrifices have to be made they'll be made by me. The roads in Kokopo are rough, rugged, & dusty, but it's the path I chose & even though things aren't ideal at the moment they are looking up. Flowers bloom where they are planted.
I still don't know what it takes to be a good husband & father. All I know is that you love your wife & your kids as much as you can. And spoil them as much as you can.

Coincidences

2007-09-04T18:54:00.000+08:00

It's taking a while, but all in God's time. Leslie was finally cleared for surgery. She had her gall bladder successfully removed & she is doing well. What we thought was a simple case of gastric or duodenal ulcers turned out to be a case of multiple gallstones, caused most probably by her recent pregnancy. A not so routine ultrasound revealed gallstones, & prior to her surgery a not so routine liver enzyme analysis revealed severe hepatic inflammation. Our doctors have not yet decided whether it was drug-induced or an extension of her inflamed gall bladder. The good thing about the liver is that it has a great capacity to heal itself. All's well that ends well. It has been a difficult past couple of months, taking care of my 3 babies. I have tried the best I can, but I am only human. Our baby sitter has been a God-send & my sister & Leslie's cousins have helped out more than I can thank them. A few minutes to just lie down, check my mail, or play a video game undisturbed goes a long way. This week our visa may come out & with everyone staying healthy it may finally be time to go. I'm glad things have fallen into their proper places, I even got to attend my best friend's wedding. It finally feels like things are going our way.

Silently

2007-04-18T08:53:00.000+08:00

Today my babies are 2 months and a day old. They got their immunizations yesterday and their mum was crying during their routine physical, even before the needles had been brought out. Hunter is 9 lbs 14 ounces and Holiday is 9 lbs 4 ounces. Hunter's stint in the Neonatal ICU feels like a distant bad dream. I have so much to think about, to worry about, to plan for. But I am glad that these are the bumps in my road. I thank Him everytime I remember how good He's been to us. The past 2 months have been filled with my greatest fears, but I have also experienced my greatest joys. I know it only gets harder from here, but I also know that it gets even better. Thank you to all our friends and relatives who visited us in the hospital and at home. I know I cannot repay the strength and prayers that you have given my boys, Leslie, & I. I can only promise that I will do no less for you and know that you are loved, cherished, & remembered by this family. Their baptism is on the 22nd of April at the Church of the Heart of Jesus & Mary on West Triangle. Once again thank you for all your whispered prayers, we heard them all, loud & clear.

Curtains

2007-01-08T21:39:00.000+08:00

Curtains
2 weeks to go and I will be back in Manila where my babies are. I'm glad nothing exciting happened while I was away. And I hope nothing happens while I'm there. My task is almost complete. Until the registration is with us though its hard to be complacent, but I'm pretty confident we won't be found lacking. My dad and Bruno and his workers have done a great job. Better than I expected. My Mum and Ka Odeng and her taylors have done more than their fair share. It's amazing what curtains can do. Back home Joey and Flor And Assmucker have been so helpful and supportive, negating some of the effects of me leaving. And I know Leslie's Mum and Dad are doing what they do best, taking care of their little girl. I'm just glad its something I won't regret doing. I haven't done as well as I hoped, but that's to be expected. I'm just grateful I didn't lose anything I already had. I can't wait to be back, because the celebrations and tragedies will bring out the important people in your life, but it's the life in-between that you will always cherish and remember. The quiet moments, the mundane, when there's nothing to do. The space between.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

2006-12-23T22:04:00.000+08:00

Ho! Ho! Ho!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Drive safely you bastards! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Background

2006-12-01T19:22:00.001+08:00

Background.
Leslie's doing great and so are the boys. I worry sometimes that I left her all alone, but I know I left her in good hands. People who I trust and who love her. And I have my boys to pick her up when she's blue. The paperwork for the clinic isn't going as perfectly as I hoped but we've found ways around it. There will always be problems, fortunately there will also always be solutions. I'm glad we've found most of our solutions, and those we haven't managed to find, we've managed to laugh ourselves out of. The clinics nearing completion, its made out of scrap lumber and hardware on sale. I couldn't be anymore proud. Our lives have always been without shine or luster, and looking back, it was alright. I look forward to my 2 superstar sons and their superstar mom, and probably their superstar lolos and lolas. And I will be content just watching them all grow from the sidelines.

xy2

2006-10-13T10:24:00.000+08:00

xy2
We had our regular ultrasound the other day, and it still amazes me that I feel nothing but elation when I see those two images on the screen. A is breech while B is transverse. A is always moving around, actively kicking or waving his arms. Maybe trying to wake up his sleepy brother. Our sonologist won't sign it off yet but it looks like two boys, she said 60% probability. Leslie heard her saying to her resident that it looks to be both xy's. Just trying to be safe I guess. Deep down I just hope they're healthy and grow up to be big and strong. But I can't deny that boys would be a bonus. Most dads would love a son as their first born, including me. I guess our luck may be changing and God gave us two. I'll be leaving soon but I hope to be back even sooner. I pray everything goes well with our clinic in Kokopo and that its finally approved. Mouths to feed. We went to the embassy the other day and things went off without a hitch. Come back after 3 working days to get your visa. Our luck may finally be changing or our patience and perseverance may be paying off. Either way we are grateful.

2006-09-26T09:55:00.000+08:00

More.
It's a big month for us. Babies are doing great and we couldn't ask for more. I will be leaving in 5 weeks and hopefully the medical board will finally approve our clinic. It's hard to believe how things have worked themselves out. I'm glad we kept patient and weren't impetious. Joey's getting his oral revalida today to become an officer at BPI and we pray he'll do well. Working slowly and silently as he always does, just moving right along. I'm glad how they've reacted to the support my mum and dad have given to Leslie and I. It would be hard for me and harder for my parents if they had reacted differently. Its the wise thing to do and the venture with the greatest potential. I try to look at it like a business decision and nothing more. I hope our clinic does well. And I know things will get better for us, all of us. It's another turning point in our lives and sometimes we don't realize how hard that could be. How much time, hard work, and prayer it takes. But we are here now and I have to be steadfast and strong. It would be a shame for us to fall apart now when we could be so close. I don't know if my dad plans it that way but as usual it's up to me once again. Somehow I know I'm prepared and that He will always lead me. After all the nights I had spent second guessing myself it has come to this. And I can't ask for more.

Uneventful

2006-09-21T12:57:00.000+08:00

Fourteen weeks and counting. The pregnancy has been uneventful so far and that's how I want it to progress. Ordinary, normal, uneventful. Our patience has paid off and our plans may finally come to fruition. I am thankful everyday, but everyday I also ask for more. I ask that things stay as uneventful as they have been. Slow, adynamic, uneventful.

Diamniotic Dichorionic

2006-08-02T14:07:00.000+08:00

Diamniotic Dichorionic
That's right. Twins! Two for the price of one. Buy one take one. Twins. Faith, miracles, heredity, genetics, drug side effects. It doesn't matter. Twins. I have never been known to be deeply religious but there are times when you know that it was a gift from God, a blessing. And then you discover you've been given two. What can you do. Just smile, eyes wide open, then exclaim, "Twins!" My life has not always been normal, nor that successful, we may have made some bad decisions here and there, it has certainly been colorful, but it has also been blessed. As Leslie put it, "Extra ordinary." During those times when it seems the darkest, something just comes along and just turns everything around. Don't expect everything to go right, but don't expect everything to go wrong either. Just remain strong and along the way you'll catch a break, and in most situations it may be the only break you'll need. Because your journey has made you strong enough, and wise enough. Although my journey has still a ways to go this is just one of those moments when I forget about the expectations, the criticisms, the wasted opportunities, the time gone by, what people think, and just enjoy the moment. Twins. Twins. Twins.

Roll With The Punches

2006-07-31T09:58:00.000+08:00

Roll With The Punches
Almost, but no cigar. It has been an exciting month. Baby's having a baby, 7 weeks and a day today. Tomorrow's a big day, ultrasound. Problems with the clinic. We need to set up a laboratory before the medical board approves it. After all the requirements they sent us had been fulfilled they turn around and give us another set. If two doctors inspected and approved the clinic then why didn't a nurse? A nurse who is also a nun. What to do.
I can't say time has been wasted because I don't think Leslie would be pregnant if we had gone into residency or are already in practice. But whose to say. Financially we have never really felt the belt tighten(too much), but everyone aims for something better. If we had to do it over we may have gone into residency right away. Something we may have regretted. It's a cost we are willing to pay. Baby means everything to us. I'm glad we don't have to make that decision again.
With the baby on the way every decision will be made with Leslie and the baby's health in mind. That can be a burden and may prevent us from seeking greener pastures but the grass on this side of the world is green enough for me.
Thank you to everyone who prayed for us. I know you too will be blessed. And if thing's haven't been going the way you had planned, just hang in there, you may be surpised, tomorrow is another day.

Prayers

2006-06-06T10:49:00.000+08:00

I don't know if we are pregnant, but everynight for the past few weeks we pray we are. If we are not, then we haven't lost anything. Instead we'll know that someday, in some way, somehow, we'll eventually be blessed with a child... and that's something.

Wandering

2006-04-07T20:08:00.000+08:00

Wandering
It was too early for anything but going back to sleep. I had always gotten up real early after a late night. Leslie was barely awake so I told her I'd just be walking out on the shore. We'd have breakfast when I got back. I grabbed my Zen Vision and Bob Marley was singin' to my soul man. He took me to station 2 where ACDC was up. I trudged on the sand strengthening the medial arches of my feet, digging my toes into the white powdery sand. Pondering on where I was in my life. How much I had accomplished, how much work I still had in front of me. And more importantly how I would go about it. How I would soon be responsible for many people, most of whom I loved, and many things. The safety net was coming off. Before the fear and uncertainty set in, I was excited. I was getting older, and I had to grow up once more. My plan to work overseas would probably push through sooner than expected, but a lot later than I had planned. In any case, I had, we had wasted too much time to waste anymore. A surgery residency is something I had planned to do and an opportunity is presenting itself and I think its worth a shot. You know what they say you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. It wouldn't pay much but it would pay more than the job I have now, which is nothing. Some would argue that I didn't need the money and that starting a residency would be more costly, moving forward is never a bad thing. I selected "Because Of You" by Kelly Clarkson and one line almost brought me to tears. ..."I cannot cry because I know that's weakness in your eyes". More than any person who mattered to me I thought of my dad. How hard he had been on me, on us. How hard it was to love him. How easy it was to miss him, and wish that I was on some obscure island in Papua New Guinea instead of a dormitory in Ateneo. He brought out the best in people and when he couldn't, he demanded it. There were no excuses, no reasons, just results. Yet he understood, that people fail, and people fall. He knew how to pick us up, with his callused,firm hands he'd help us up everytime. Even when a volcano had seemingly taken everything we had. Everything that he and my mum had sacrificed and worked for. He also believed that everything could be taught, learned, worked for. And in times when you did succeed he'd turn the volume way up on his favourite CD and shout out his joy. He didn't want you to hear how hard he was screaming, he wanted you to hear the music, because it was your time, and he didn't want to take any part of it away from you. All that from American Idol, who knew. I was at Willy's Rock now and I waited for a couple to finish praying before I climbed the steps. I prayed for the same things, the same people, the same aspirations, the same dreams. Maybe God was a little tired too and was vacationing in Boracay like us. Maybe this time I'd prayed a litle harder, a bit more sincere. Maybe this time He'd listen just a little closer. I climbed down and John Mayer was up next. I rounded the point just to glance the Boracay Terraces on the other side, it was almost 8am and I had to make my way back. John Mayer take me home. There was a lot to think about but ironically only one thing to do, and that was to walk back home where my baby was waiting. There was a clarity that morning that the sunrise on the other side of the island had enlightened. As Mother Theresa once said, "I knew where I should be, but I did not know how to get there." I can only guess how She got to where She wanted to be, but I'm sure during those times when She didn't, I bet She just kept on moving. We took Jian with us to breakfast who was in the other room playing by himself while his dad slept. That was a good morning.

Azotea's Sebastian

2006-03-03T19:57:00.000+08:00

I could write about how sad things were, how dark the days had become, how painful getting up was. How much we missed Basti. Instead I will write about how smiles are slowly replacing tears, how a bounce has returned to our steps. How Bogart has silently and gently uplifted us all. Bogart is a 5 month old Australian short-legged Jack Russel terrier. He is a bundle of energy to say the least. He just runs and jumps and double jumps, even bumping his head under the car as he jumps, he doesn't care, probably doesn't bother him. He just plays and plays and plays. You can't help but smile. He will bite at your hand, jump on your back and chew your shirt, interfere with anything your doing or attempting to do. But when you hold him, he lays still, just being there. It's like a switch. People still accidentally call him Basti, its a testament to how much Basti was loved. Bogart wasn't always Bogart, the people we bought him from called him Mozart, then Leslie called him Sparky, but her dad named him Bogart and that was that. For a time her mum called him Borgy, now she's calling him Bogart. So I guess he's pretty confused, I know I was.
All in all things are picking up. It hasn't been a great month for us but we're still here. The trials, the waiting, the helplessness, the uncertainty. I guess its all part of growing up. And growing up is something we all have to go through at one point or another. Whether it be an exam you studied so hard for and failed, or a game you worked so hard for and didn't win, or someone you loved so much and lost. It doesn't matter how trivial, but that also goes for your triumphs. It doesn't matter if you just barely passed that exam, or you got lucky during that game you should've lost, or getting a puppy. What matters is you did it and you're happy. We still don't know where our place in the sun is, but we know its out there somewhere. We just have to look harder.
Just when you thought you were done growing up, you surprise yourself and grow up just a little bit more.

In memory of Sebastian... he loved drinking out of the garden hose.

Big Brother

2006-02-08T14:13:00.000+08:00

Big Brother
My wife was watching Pinoy Big Brother the other day, the episode about Christian's birthday. She got up to take a shower and when she came back I was sobbing. Of course she mocked me and shouted out to her mum that I was crying. When her mum asked why, Leslie said that was how I used to spend my birthday, alone, away from home. That took me back. Back to the nights when I woke up cramping in both my legs. I had been running that night. When it got dark and I had to call my mum, I'd go to Gate 2, back in Ateneo. There was a secluded phone booth comforted in the shadows of Loyola Gym. Noone could see you there, noone could hear you cry. Walking back to Cervini you could see people walking your way, laughing, speaking in Ilonggo, Visaya. I always thought it brought them closer to home. If I was still crying I'd walk across the football field to the trees on the far side. There was nothing there, one of the guards might even throw a flashlight your way hoping to catch lovers. It was just a place where noone could see your sadness. A darkness to hide how broken you were. Christmas was always hard for me. December 28, the hardest. This was how high school and 2 years of college was like for me. Not everyday, only on the most important ones. Noone really knew. Not many would understand. My Baby always called me autistic, and late at night when we can't sleep, I tell her my stories. I don't know if she really knows me or the sadness, the fury, the anguish that I will always carry. But between her and my mom, I think they have a pretty good idea. That episode took me back and you know what, that's okay. It was a part of me and I realize that it will always be a part of me. It is my solice, my fortress, it's what makes me strong. I don't think of them as my defeat, I think back and I remember my victories. When I'd get up, wipe my tears, suck it up, and walk back to the dorm like nothing happened. Everyone assumed I had gone to Eliazo or been up to no good. Maybe it was their way of saying I was okay, and everything would work out. They were right.
You may have gone through worse and I hope you get through to the other side. I bumped into an old friend, Lester Lim(I called him Lester the Molester, not because it rhymed, but because that's what he does)on the internet a few months back and we got to talking about how hard it was to get ahead and he had this to say, "The same fire that melts plastic, strengthens steel". Lester the Molester is currently in Los Angeles where he says the women are really aggressive...I hope to visit him one day.

Peace

2005-11-24T09:14:00.000+08:00

Peace. I grew up believing we were always at war. With others, with ourselves. I found religion & I was momentarily at peace. At peace with the world & the reality it had offered me, at peace with myself & the reality I had grown to accept. For all my struggles and for all my frustrations, I had arrived. It wasn't pretty but it was colorful. Every 4 or 5 years I find myself at a crossroad. Coming to Manila after grade school in New Guinea, taking up physical therapy, completing medicine. All these choices were made either with little struggle or in absolute surrender to the wishes of my dad. Now in hindsight, he was right. He knew how to whisper and I was his horse. Soon I hope to be a father, just like him. It would be simple to continue into residency. To become a student once again, to take the path well trodden. To once again take the next logical step. But I have never taken the next logical step. With every failure more and more was expected of me. I wasn't supposed to make it this far. But here I am, prepared for more. I know that the next step will be longer than the last, the next step steeper than the last. That is the reality I have accepted. I do not even pretend to be strong but strength is what is required of me so strong is what I have to be. There is no other way. Tip of the spear. The best be sharp. My peace lies in prayer, in faith. If He wills it then I know it will be. I have so much faith now, more so in God than in myself. I think that as you get older, the challenges are bigger. The choices get harder. The consequences more dire. You have to believe in something much bigger than you could ever become. Of all the goals and dreams I've ever aspired to, becoming a father is where everything ends, then again begins. That is my peace.

Complacency

2005-10-07T10:23:00.000+08:00

Its been a while since we got married and for the last few months we've wanted only 2 things in our life. To get our visa to start a small clinic overseas with my parents in New Guinea where I grew up, and to have a child. My mum called last week and our company has been approved and it won't take long for the approval of the medical board and for the visa to be completed. Leslie has been delayed 2 weeks now. For the last couple of months we've been preparing to leave. The physical preparations are easy, other aspects are not so easy for leslie. I have dealt with separation since before I could properly remember. My mum and dad left me behind to study prep and grade 1 in Paranaque. When they moved to Rabaul which had an international primary school, they took me to join my younger brother Joey to study there. I called them auntie and uncle, because that's what my older cousins whom I stayed with called them. I can't remember when I started calling them mum and dad again, but I think it's because I never actually thought of them as being anything less than my parents. I spent 6 normal years with them until they sent me to manila to study high school at Ateneo. How hard was it to adjust? When i came from manila i couldn't speak english fluently, then back in manila all I really knew how to speak was english, and with a british accent and being unfashionable, "baduy!" in Ateneo. Well it was tough. And the dorm. I really didn't care though, all i could think of was my family and that come friday afternoon, my aunt would fetch me and I'd be home in Paranaque again. My grades were so bad I had to get second honors just to make 75. After crying for 2 quarters Brother Dunne asked me to try attending mass at the high school chapel at 7 every morning. I found peace there, enough anyway to get the average I needed to stay in school. I put my second honors card on my desk after brother Dunne had taken out all the regular honor students along with me to Shakey's. He was kidding if I had really done it, it would be my last time. The other brainiacs did their best not to talk to me, once again I didn't belong, way out of my league. As I sat at my desk after dinner one of the real honor students came into my room and noticed my card, "proud na proud" was all he said as he walked away. I was proud, not because of how smart I was, if you don't know that for yourself then maybe you're not as smart as you think, but of how I had a life again. When I woke up the next morning at 6 to go to church early, my honor card was missing. I never saw it again. My parents never saw it. I never looked for it because it was just a piece of paper. My friend Dennis got a third honors card and he said his mum back in Iloilo got it framed and put a small spotlight on it in their living room or something. I knew what he was trying to say, but it just wasn't important to me. I wanted to make it to second year high, and that was it.

Sorrow

2005-07-22T09:46:00.000+08:00

At the San Juan church in Hagonoy, Bulacan two coffins lay side by side, my uncles. They would have their last mass together. I sat in the second row beside my mum, my wife, my sister-in-law, my brother, and my sister. In front sat my mum's brother's wife, 3 daughters, 2 sons-in-law, 3 granddaughters. I could see their shoulders elevate and their neck muscles tense as they tried to catch their breath from the sadness that wouldn't let them breathe. I looked over to my right and my dad's relatives were also drowning in tears, difficulty in breathing. After the mass they were buried in two different adjacent cemeteries. I went with my mum. We all walked to the cemetery which was 50 meters or so from the church. When they opened up his coffin for the last time, the shoulders went higher and repetitions hastened, their neck muscles tensed even stronger. There were wimpers now, they could no longer hold their sadness inside. I held my mum, because that was all that I could do. The harder she cried the tighter I held her. She sobbed with the sadness I hope I will never know. I tried so desperately to be strong but it broke my heart to see her so and I couldn't contain my tears. I looked around and my wife, my brother, my brother's wife, my sister, my Kuya Willie all had tears, the smiles they always wore transformed into closed lips trying to keep the sadness at bay. The people left and we stood in the afternoon sun as the bricklayers and my uncle's son-in-law closed the tomb with bricks, sand, water, and cement. My brother ferried us home as most of us had walked from the wake to the church. It had been a long day. My uncle lived a quiet life, and fittingly so was his funeral, maybe angels came down to help his family cry softly, from the heart. You have to believe in angels. You have to believe in God because at times, they are all you have.

If you feel like taking time to pray for them and their families, they were Eduardo Dela Cruz, carpenter, and Catalino Halili, farmer. R.I.P.+

Going Farther

2005-07-06T20:33:00.000+08:00

Going Farther
My uncle died early this morning, the 6th of july, 2005. He had an intracerebral hemorrhage early the morning before. He fell down, vomitted & never regained consciousness. Over the phone I knew it was a question of time. Not of money. Not of appropriate medical intervention, short of neurosurgery & symptomatic shotgun management, there was none. It was a question of time. That afternoon we went to Bulacan, he was comatose and had a Glasgow coma scale of 0, unresponsive even to pain. Earlier that day he had lost voluntary control of his bladder & bowel. He had gone into seizures 3 times while we were bedside. His pupils were pinpoint non-reactive to light stimulation. He was tachypneic with a respiratory rate in the 60's and rales all throughout both lung fields. BP hypertensive at 160/100 mmhg, tachycardic. His temperature was rising and falling, ominous signs of autonomic dysreflexia. All physical signs led to only one conclusion, death. A doctor had seen my uncle earlier & there was only one diagnosis. My mum had called me to advise them on what to do. How do you tell your cousins that there is no hope of recovery? You quantify it. You disguise hopelessness in medical terminology and scientific babble. Their decision was to wait with him as his heart & respiratory muscles became tired, & his body gave out, as it eventually would. My cousin said she felt sorry for her dad & that his life was full of nothing but hardships. I would agree, but i would also disagree. I told her that happiness is not only measured in how much one had. He had 3 daughters, 3 grandchildren, also all girls. His life was simple, their lives were simple but that isn't all there is to life. Nowadays it seems like that's all that matters. Fact of the matter is, it does. But its not all that matters. It must've been their darkest moment, it was one of mine. I told myself it was a medical decision not a moral decision i was asked to help them make, and i did. Hopefully i won't be asked to do it again, but so many times in our lives more is asked of those who are strong. I am not strong, but life has a way of making you, or breaking you. I am still wondering, worrying, second guessing, if i had made the right decision. The irony of it all is, the more you deal with death, the more you realize how fragile life is. How momentary. I am not deeply religious but i have my moments. Like these, when you have to believe in a greater good, a higher power. When you once again have to ask him to carry you because you've gone as far as you can go. And just like so many times in your life you surprise yourself & go just a little farther...

3am, 8/18/04

2005-06-18T12:42:00.000+08:00

The first thing I wrote as a doctor.

It is 3 in the morning and I am a doctor now. I thought it would make me bigger, but it's made me smaller, humbler. I owe it all to the people who lifted me up when I was weak and carried me as I stumbled. And to You. I knew that if it was for me and You willed it, then it would be.

Footprints

2005-06-18T12:35:00.000+08:00

Footprints

I wrote this after I had taken my board exams.

Around 2am, August 16, 2004. I just finished my boards. I don't know what's in store for me. If I passed or if I'll be down that road again come February. It's up to you now. I hope I did my part. Most of my fear comes from the sadness those I love will feel. I know You will carry me as always.

Our Deepest Fear

2005-06-18T11:21:00.000+08:00

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were all meant to shine as children do.
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence will automatically liberate others.

-Timo Cruz, from the Film "Coach Carter"

If you thought the soundtrack is good then the movie won't disappoint you. Faith Evans always has pain in her voice, but she always sings of hope, almost gospel like. This movie is inspired, and will inspire you. I found myself on the verge of tears and I didn't know why, noone died. Then I realized so many times in my life that was me. Falling down and being afraid of knowing that I could get up no matter how many times I was down. It is our strength, not our weakness that most frightens us. As the song goes, "I'm hopeful, yes I am, that you'll make your way. I know it ain't easy, but that's okay..."

Better.

2005-05-25T18:08:00.000+08:00

Better.
I never wanted to be the fastest, just faster.
I never wanted to be the tallest, just taller.
I never wanted to be the strongest, just stronger.
I never wanted to be the smartest, just smarter.
I never wanted to be the best, just better.

Getting Ahead

2005-05-25T17:58:00.000+08:00

Getting Ahead. It's a hard life. No matter how much you have, your humanity will always drive you for more. The most difficult thing is to be content. Happiness comes and goes, contentment has more consistency. Contentment requires humility and is harder to achieve, to accept than anything else. Everyone preaches about exceeding your boundaries , but not many teach about accepting your limits. I think that when you accept how earthbound you are, then it's when you realize you have to work to get off it. And the harder you work, the higher you go. It's that simple. Achievers may not be the best at what they do, but believe me they are more consistent. So the next time you feel the better man didn't win, probably, the more consistent, the harder working one did.

Firsts

2005-05-22T17:33:00.000+08:00

Firsts come only once. There are no replays. No reruns. Part of the wonders of life. Mark Maguire once had the chance to break MLB's homerun record, with 1 game left in the season he opted not to play. Instead he attended the birth of his first born. "I may get another chance to break the record, but I'll never get the chance to attend the birth of my first born again." He broke MLB's homerun record the next season, then broke his own record twice in the following seasons. Go figure.

Lemons

2005-05-17T09:49:00.000+08:00

"when life gives you lemons...just make lemonade."

From a little girl with leukemia whose dream was to raise 1 million dollars for pediatric cancer research by selling lemonade. In a year she had raised US$1.5M.

Of Burberry Bags And Chowking Lauriats

2005-05-06T23:34:00.000+08:00

We took Leslie's cousin to Greenbelt and Glorietta today. They just arrived from Boracay the other day, they live in Daly city or somewhere stateside. We were stuck in traffic and u-turning all over the place because of a parade that had the authority to shut down all forms of transportation along Ayala. Teo and I both agreed, "why didn't they do it on a sunday?!#%@!*" Crazy man. We were hungry so we ate at Segafredos, spell it right? I had their banana spin, man that's the best liquified banana ever. For 150 go try it. Chocolate is good too, it has 3 distinct sensations, bitter,sweet, and a creamy texture you feel. The 3 gradually melt into each other which causes your neuronal synapses to release vast amounts of neurotransmitters which are then transduced from chemical to electrical energy and you smile, and you know, that's chocolate. Strawberry is like eating fresh strawberries then superceding it with rich strawberry ice cream, only liquid. Better bring some toilet paper though, there's a price to pay. At least I did anyway. But I did reach home. Then we went a-malling. Teo's wife Amy went into the Burberry Shop and casually bought a bag for around 20K. She got a 10% discount care of Leslie's Rustan's discount card. They have nice stuff in that store and in the LV shop, too pricey for me. We cruised G4 then proceeded home with Teo mumbling how he was broke and that the 2nd mortgage is on the way, I told him to call it the Burberry diet. We had dinner at Chowking because Teo wanted to eat there, he said it would complete his trip. Maybe a subconscious desire to identify and be more filipino, or he saw the TV commercials and became curious. I wanted to take them a-drinking but they would be leaving for Ilocos early in the morn, so we called it a night. Teo also bought the Nina Live CD, I asked Leslie to buy me the MYMP versions CD. It was time well spent. What's the lesson to all this? You should've figured it out by now. In love, even opposites attract.

Shiny New Cars

2005-05-02T23:24:00.000+08:00

I went to the 1st Manila Auto Show at the World Trade Center with Leslie and they had some cool cars. I walked past the Innovas and the Honda hatchbacks with the 5000 watts and 20 speakers or something, I must be getting old. What was notable though were. The Chrysler 300C with a tag of P2.55M, Motortrend's car of the year. Looks like a Bentley, and its big, black,shiny. All it needs are LCDs, a PS2, subs, a TV tuner, a DVD player and shoes, but the stocks are Ok, and you are pimped. The Landrover Discovery with an earphone jack for all 6 passengers and volume and radio channel selectors, standard, cool. The new 5 series turbo diesel, 5 appropriately because it costs P4.99M, but that's The Man's car. Surely you probably have 2 or 3 on the side with this ride. But the yellow Ferrari, that thing is sex on wheels. Who needs women? You're right, we do. So what would I buy if i had the money? The 4x4 SR5 Hilux by Toyota. Amidst the BMs, Range Rovers, etc I would choose the Toyota. Probably because its the only thing I could afford and would decide to buy, eventually. They say you are what you drive, and eventhough I may never be a Ferrari, being a reliable workhorse is alright with me. But that thing is off the chain though, vroom vroom.

Query On Residency vs. Practice

2005-04-29T22:53:00.000+08:00

Residency or practice? Its pretty useless to weigh the pros and cons, the upsides and downsides, we've all discussed it before and with scientific thoroughness and efficiency i bet. Some of us need it, for lack of skills, confidence, knowledge. It doesn't matter why. In the real world the most common really is the most common. You don't have to be a brain surgeon to successfully run a small out-patient clinic. Most of the time its medical certificates and infected wounds and circumcisions, if your lucky to even have patients. Everyone has to start somewhere. Have patience. There is no right answer, if you want to get biblical, downright religious, there is a plan, majestic and mysterious and individual. A little bit like falling in love or taking a three point shot, you know its improbable but you do it or take it anyway. You'll probably miss, be rejected, but if you hold fast and have faith and believe, there are times when you know. That when you first meet, or when that ball backspins away from your fingertips that its all good, all net. For us right now we choose to practice privately. We may be wrong but right now a residency training is not the answer, if we had the luxury we would, and some would argue that we do. But i have always believed that there's nothing like earning your trophies, and until a bigger priority supercedes this principle, that's how its going to be. Being left behind by others who have become consultants or fellows is a matter of pride and some concern, but i've never been the jealous type and don't plan to be. It is hard to practice humility and pride simultaneously. but when you have others you are responsible for that's how it is. Man up. Decide what's best for your family and stick to it, but don't be afraid to change your mind. If the situation calls for plan B then be man enough to do so. I guess it all boils down to being responsible, being held accountable, and growing up a little.

Patch Adams Revisited

2005-04-25T21:49:00.000+08:00

Yes it's the movie with Robin Williams and Monica Potter, who was killed by a mental patient at their free hospital. I was in 3rd year of medical school and the head of anatomy along with the dean had us watch this movie. It was a crappy pirated VCD and I only really just got the essense of the movie. I was thinking they made us watch it because they felt guilty. They were genuinely good professors who cared about their students, those who could keep up anyway. I did identify with William's character Patch, but only superficially. I didn't understand. Today, almost 3 years later I saw the movie again. And the brush fire is burning. I was thinking that no wonder malpractice and negligence law suits became so popular, some of these doctors were real assholes. If you remember the scene with the juvenile onset diabetes who would probably have her leg surgically amputated, you'll get what I mean. When the graduation scene came along and the speaker said in a manorly almost regal, knightly tone, "You are now doctors", it sent shivers down my spine. Maybe because it is one of the hardest things you could accomplish. Not just in medicine, in any course or profession. I was never the model student, a little too much time playing basketball, sleeping in class. I couldn't help it. I even slept during my board reveiw. Probably why I had to spend an extra semester for obstetrics. Inspite of this though I did okay. I am a doctor now and admittedly not the best, but honest. Honesty is a luxury nowadays and be glad you can afford integrity. "If you treat the disease you may win or lose, but if you treat the patient, I guarantee you, you will always win." -Hunter Patch Adams. I saw Patch Adams when he visited Manila and held a seminar during the first few months of my internship. He was onstage with baggy pants highly colorful, loud even. He is a revolutionary. Interns were allowed to comment and ask questions and once again purity was corrupted by interns who had never faced adversity in their lives. They were people defined by the watches they wore, the cellular phones they had, one even asked for a hug. You get the picture. We were the minority and I bit my tongue, my fellow interns did the same. We had a clerkship program lasting twelve months, you could spend almost 11 of them in government hospitals. Ill equiped, undermanned, overcrowded. These were not conditions for healing. They were not conditions for living. We saw it, we smelled it, we breathed it, we lived it. It is easy to lose compassion in government hospitals in the Philippines. But that's where I found it, and I have tried to hold on to it eversince. I have a small out patient clinic now with my wife and we don't have many patients, such are the trying times. It is hard to resist not treating patients who you know would better be handled by a specialist but we do resist and advice and refer them to a physician better equiped. I guess it's an unspoken rule, an unspoken virtue, an unspoken principle. Unspoken, because I think if we had to speak it, it would be purity corrupted once again. Patch Adams message is not meant to be celebrated amongst doctors, it is meant to be celebrated amongst patients.

Destinations

2005-04-01T14:29:00.000+08:00

"I knew where I had to go, but I did not know how to get there." -Mother Theresa

Flying Beer Bottles

2005-03-31T09:32:00.001+08:00

I went a-drinkin' and someone threatened me with flying beer bottles, if i'd seen one. I wanted to show her one. The B-word comes to mind right about now. Undistinguished, uneducated, provincial, insecure nobody. That's just the way it is. Still a nobody. Pitiful. Bacteria. Prokaryote. Amoeba. Refuse. Know who you're speaking to, cause they might know you. Invalid. Degenerate. I know she was a girl at some point but if you met met her, you might throw an entire case, but, what a waste of good beer right? Its all good though. Switch.

Inspiration

2005-03-31T08:33:00.000+08:00

It's so easy to give up. You don't even need a reason. After 10 years of medical school what's the logic in giving up. There will always be a reason that will make it ok. A reason for mediocrity. If you think it's hard to continue, it's much harder to start again. It's sad to realize that not everyone is cut out to be a doctor, and intelligence is not a big part of it. My friends will never read this. They are individuals in their own right and it's not my place to tell them what to do with their lives. At times everyone becomes envious, losing respect for levels and achievements you have yet to reach. Trying to be cool when you simply are not. Losing insight on the first principles leading to misguided, overconfident proclamations and generalizations that are not only devoid of knowledge but also wisdom. You cannot know every answer. But that doesn't matter, its the process, the application that counts. When you understand you don't have to memorize. The point is keep moving forward. When you tire slow down, don't confuse activity with productivity. Don't get discouraged. You're not smart enough, tall enough, fast enough, strong enough. Become smarter, stand taller, be faster, grow stronger. Hard work beats talent everytime. Have faith. You cannot do it alone. In times of weakness, He is your greatest strength. He will carry you. He's carried me and He will carry you. There will be times when you are better than everyone else, there will also be times when everybody else seems to be better than you. Don't be too proud, don't be too humble, just be. Just quietly go about your business. Get it done. Have enough character to follow through, finish what you start, take responsibility. You don't need inspiration. It's overrated. Just get it done.

Migratory Goat Patterns

2005-03-11T12:37:00.000+08:00

Involuntary muscle control. Facial twitches and spasms. Gastric gas is not a body odor. It is an emission. Like fecal material and urine and spit. People acting like they know when they just heard it somewhere and are just overconfident and speculating, guesing. Read or consult, surf the net, watch documentaries, CNN, have references. That's just quack, heresay. And be efficient about it. Don't waste your time, don't waste mine. Urine has physiologically a next to zero bacterial count than saliva. When your saliva has bacteria in it do you take antibiotics? Have ever even had your saliva examined? Sputum is not saliva. Have the ability to define the words that you use. Don't say, "you know what i mean", "alam mo na yun". That's just dumb man. Common sensibility is simply the capacity to deduct with reason based on facts and laws and accepted hypothese. And what the hell is a fashionista. Be sensible. How can you spend 40,000 on a phone and not have money for coffee, or not even have a car, or even dress appropriately. It's a brain drain campaign of the greatest scope and magnitude. Steve Francis wrapped the ball around his body on a fast break possession with noone on him, twice! See what I mean? He didn't convert on his layup and ended up with a technical foul for complaining to the referee. See what I mean? Twice! A fastbreak is supposed to be just that, fast. Brain drain. You really don't have to be that smart nowadays, because people are just dumber, and they work at being dumber. Relativity. Migratory goat patterns. Shifted now to the eastern hemisphere due to a subtle barely noticeable, shortened electromagnetic band width in the Van Allen Belt. Migratory goat patterns.

Full Circle

2005-03-03T09:00:00.000+08:00

I played my last game last night, a championship game. I started well, real hot, man I had it going on. Then what happens happens. Who the hell substitutes 5 players in a championship game. Let the blame go where the blame goes. What's sad is the guys who played the eliminations,the garbage games weren't the same guys who lost it. The lazy ones, who were only in it for the glory,the people who didn't deserve to be there, because they didn't earn it. They lost it for us. I can't say i didn't feel bad losing, but i left it all on the court and that's where it'll stay. I still love the game because of everything it has taught me, everything it has given back . I hope i gave back as much to my teammates, opponents, friends, people who took time out to watch. I played hard, honestly, as gracefully and elegantly as I could, just the way i hope i live my life. I may have had more talent, more smarts, but what separates the stars is old-fashioned hard work. That's what i have pride in. Because nothing great comes without hard work. I had my time, my moments, and they were spectacular at times.

Greener Grass

2005-02-26T11:15:00.000+08:00

The grass is always greener on the other side, it just always is. And you will always covet what you don't have or can't have. The trick is really to understand and appreciate what you have or have worked hard for, then love it just because it's yours. Find that place that rhythm that is totally yours, maybe it will make you just a little bit happier. Hopefully that will be all you need.

On Self Pity

2005-02-17T19:15:00.000+08:00

The medical boards are on in Manila right now and 6 months ago i took it, i only told myself one thing, that I would not be defined by one exam.

I never saw a wild thing feel sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough
without having felt sorry for itself.
-J.D. Laurence

Incidentally I passed and to the surprise of many, i am a physician now, but that one exam still doesn't define me. Never feel sorry, for yourself or anyone else, in this way you honor them, and you honor yourself. Never give up, win.

Thank You Letter for Mom

2005-02-16T10:25:00.000+08:00

I wrote this early this morning. I want to share it with anyone who'd read it coz mums don't get enough love nowadays.

Dear Mum,

I hope you get to Kokopo safely. I want to thank you for everything you and daddy have given and sacrificed for me & joey & jocelyn. I hope I can be as good at parenting as you are. I.m sorry for sometimes complaining how difficult life is & why I have to always be the one who is stronger & better than everybody else. I didn't realize that it was you and dad who got hurt the most, who had to be the strongest, & who sacrificed more. When I passed the boards and became a doctor I knew there would be better days ahead of us. Don't worry about getting old, Leslie and I will take care of you no matter what happens. We will be happy. I know some things have changed now that I'm married but I will always be here, with Leslie, for you and daddy. I want to thank you for giving her and us another chance. I was scared for a while that you wouldn't approve, but I was wrong & you didn't say anything & trusted me enough to make my own decision. I think I've made the right one mum. We hope we can start working in Kokopo quickly. I have a plan for all of us & if everything works out, we'll be ok & happy in 5-10 years. Then we can enjoy life more and have more choices, we just have to stay together.
Thank you mummy, for acknowledging how much I've done for Joey & Jocelyn, it's one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I know my role's not yet finished.

I love you mum. Leslie loves you and says she'll miss you. We both love you very much. See you soon!

Love,
Jayson and Leslie